The wishes the dreams the hopes the goals .. thats what i've been living with
Thats what i've been trying to get to see , its been a hard teenage life a hard growing up life a freaking hard 17 years life .. my whole life has been undescribed unknown by the painful scars by the painful memories and how i am forced to live with , and by the present being complicated and by the future being unclear and full of unstable thoughts .. so what are my dreams what are my wishes ?
I have been always wanting to be able to act with no fear no limits just me and my creativity my passion .. like the long road is infront of me and nothing is keeping me from moving forward just going straight to where i wanna be to the castles of royalty to the work i believe in to the freedom of no limits .. i wanna walk and keep on walking because thats how i want my life to be .. i wanna do mistakes and repeat them without anyone judging me or grounding me or telling me what to do i wanna live my Age as i've never been to i wanna be foolish i wanna be 17 & 18 and even 40 ..
I wanna do things without having to regret the actions and the consequences and never to be worried about who's gonna stare at me or even reject me .. i wanna know people for me not because of anyone else i wanna have the opportunity to share things with the relashions i build not worrying about destroying it when i dont want it .i wanna say NO to people whenever i want i want to say it with no fear i wanna say NO to whomever giving orders i wanna choose i want to have the chance to choose to really CHOOSE .
I wanna have a place that fits me a place where i can keep my things without labeling them and trying so hard to keep them safe i want a place where i can sleep in peacefully without anyone slamming the doors or trying to wake me up for chores , sleeping without the sounds of harm .. i wanna sleep whenever i want not whenever my Roomie wants to shut the lights and stop everyother activity , i want to believe that i can take risks and be on adventures and live wild .. i've been always the tidy quiet wise successful brilliant always giving girl i never took risks with my actions because i always Think of the results before , i wanna be able to be who i wanna be i wanna form myself as i want not as my parents or other people wants me to be .
Thats how i want to be .
" dreams never come true untill time pass by showing you what you're capable of making true "
hello everyone ..
you can call me rose i am here to share the stories in my life hoping for support as i dont get much from my family .. i will write my stories most sad and some joyful but i promise they will be worth reading .. i am a bright cheerful quiet girl a clever one i am 17 and half years old and i am full of achievements and hopes and dreams i have made a lot of goals and made a lot of change i am powerful with my words and i am kind and i love to get to know people and chat with them as well .. i hope you support me ;)
As i always say to myself strongly believing of my quote that " i am a clear image but not everyone can see me the way i want " and that means that i am who i am and i am something so easy to see but sometimes hard for people to look at clearly ..
I never cared about what everyone says i mean i care so much for the details but i hardly accept suggestions from strangers or people who dont know me very well .. i am so hard to be convinced from anyone and sometimes peoples opinions touch me and distract me but i can easly turn my face away ..
A lot of important supposed to be role models surronding me like my parents but i never payed attention to them when i was very sure of what i want and how strongly i was believing in my opinions and still i am .. WHY ? because when my parents didnt care much about having their perfect role and sticking up to it i wouldnt exchange my perfect role too .. i mean if i want to i can be the most perfect daughter on planet Yes i can because I am capable of it i am strong and confident so tough and i can handle a little behaving .. but whats thats supposed to do to them .. they dont deserve more from me they dont even deserve the unreal me because i am every familys dream thats what i keep hearing from everyone ..
But they never knew how valuable i was and am they just wanted to ruin me and push me to edges but i kept my silence because i knew they were gonna hurt me and i couldnt handle much more pain i couldnt .
I rejected myself standing up for my believes i may suggest them and work on them and i may seem strong from the outside as i showed them but i'm always hurt and broken from the inside but i never pushed so hard for my desires because it was hopelessly impossible for me to always get what i want so i kept on my silence hiding what i feel inside knowing that these days are temporary and they will eventually fade because this is not My life forever I will eventually go to another life creating adorable babies and having the portrait i've always dreamed of ..
The life i wanted .
" it's not about the way live in life it's about who you are in this life "
With my comfort being in my room although its not only mine i share it ..
but its always nice to have some lonely time to myself without my roommate interrupting me with his activities ..
this is ME time .. the time i wake up looking around not seeing anyone in the room but myself .. AND this episode gets annoyed and cut by the inspector
:/ yeah my mother arguing with me about how lazy i am and why i am in bed till this late hour .. i mean its a holiday isn't that the main purpose of it ??
this scenario never gets old its repeated everyday .. but its not always interrupted by the same person .. and not always at the same time .. within my early morning sleeping hours the REALLY early ones .. the after midnight hours .. the sound that wakes me up when i am not supposed to .. the one that opens my eyes not trying to wake up but trying to go to sleep again .. that sound . the SOUND of hitting and screaming the SOUND of shouting and abusing the SOUND of breaking ..
these all sounds come ALL at once the terrifying heartbeats the shocked faces the screams and the shakings the heart attacks the unsafe place to be around in .. not a drinking problem not emotionally attacked but the unwise actions .. he may do all thses things and then calm everything down but still , the way we lived that moment not knowing what to do .. not being able to make a sound to defend ourselfs to hit back to stand up and scream nothing nothing but tears and hate nothing but dark shades following us the pain the scars the blood nothing but all of these being memorized with us with ME .
" a face expression can tell more than you think "
so here's a thing ..
i never knew my mom as keeper she never stops complaining to other people even if they're strange .. i mean she would break a record for that she can tell my lifetime story in no time .. i mean in a gathering when people are complementing me she would stop them with an action i did or she would simply give them a bad review about me .. i mean i would bring some people over like my cousins and she would enter and tell anything negative about me .. i am a true kind of person i am kind clear and sensitive i am hurt and broken by the people who must share some with me like for example my PARENTS thats why i change myself into the mean uncaring trying to survive girl .. i dont get much of attention but i turn that into anger i put into my grades and the appreciation people outside my home gives me .. i sometimes think a ROLEMODEL an IDOL is so much from people outside my family are trying to make me .. i then realized i am true whenever i am not surrounded by my mean family ..
i am who i am when i get to know new people .. i am who i really am when i'm at school or talking to a stranger i am who i am and truly am when i get into relashionships knowing girls and talking to them .. but i am not who i am when i'm with my family because i am trying to survive thats why i try to ignore but still forced to please everyone .. still forced to do duties and work for other family members when i am not in the need to .. i am still forced to smile at the family and all the members even i am suffering from the inside .. yeah i can i can still smile at everyones face and pretend like i am OK i can always get in a conversation and never tell what i am really feeling .. cuz why ?? not everyone means the common question they always ask " how are you ? "
not everyone gives a damn about your life no one cares everyone is busy and i feel that .. people ask you how are you for an only answer "ok" thats what they wanna here .. i am only 17 and i have the mind of a 30 yeah i do because you never know what abilities i am capable of .. i depend on myself in everything i never let anyone do things for me cuz i know there is a day they will mention the things they did and i dont want that .. can you believe that my parents are the kind of person who never do things to you untill you nag and push them to it and when they do even if its simple .. ghe hell started .. they mention it till the day you die .. i mean if it was in my hand i wouldnt have the nerves to ask you ..my parents never felt grateful for the kind of daughter i am ..
i dont mean to brag .. but for the things i did i must be a golden star .. i am except only outside my family's area i am everyghing perfect outside the house i have great friends not perfect the kind that knows everything about me but relashionships as many as i cant imagine .. i have great teachers and even the principal they brag about me they love me and always care for me .. i am perfect with my grades always the top of my class and i am great with conversationd i present ceremonies i am always a choice to be picked up for everything i always enter competitions and win first places ...
yeaaaah but is that enough for my parents hell NO yeah i am nothing to them .
" the pain of black memories can never be healed "
I've growed up with the belive that parents are created to make a new life for their adorable kids ..
to colour it with the taste of love caring forgivness giving and even sharing .. after they create the life that they can get into responsibilities with it they have to stick to the rule that they're old not that young to be playing around as a teenager giving themselves ahead of their kids buying and having fun forgetting that they entered a gate of worries towards their babies .. i hate the feeling that my parents arent giving me this they raised me on the belive that i am responsible for everything i buy i get i act i say even what i do ..
i know i am now someone great because of how my brain acts and how my actions are well enough with my ways of thinking .. i never felt i'm young to play or to say i want or to have my wishes to commands i never had that feeling I am living with an old mind athough i am only 17 and a half but i was passing a day by another with being older and older i came up with fantasies and stories because of how hard i live .. i went to stores and places with fathers and mothers that are holding their 20s teenagers or less buying them giving holding and hugging them with the question " what do you want *smiles* " i cried nights and days for the missing feeling i've never had i know my life shouldn't be perfect but when i tell my parents about some of my thoughts and comments they always and forever reply " we dont need to do that you're old you have to be thankful for having parents some people dont have parents and there you are wishing for more you ungrateful daughter " and they continue with more aggressive rejections and reactions .. i know i am thankful but for the people who dont have parents they work on having ones and dream and the ones with parents they work for trading love and giving ..Thats the rule of life you are happy and thankful for what you have but you work and wish for more .. i am giving more that taking and i am sick because of it .. i am tired of caring and worrying about people and getting them out of their misere when i am the one with the miserable life but guess what i ask and worry but they never do ..i walk by and i see parents loving on their babies kissing them holding them and dreaming about their happy future making sacrifices and dying for their best ways of living because most of them feel that when they start creating a family they dont own a life of their own they have their kids world they surround it with tied up ribbons and decorate it in a beautiful way .. i can see the look on their eyes when they buy things for their kids or when they talk to them or when they hold them and smile and laugh at their faces how the shine is bright out of their eyes they couldn't hide the joy coming out of their hearts when they look at them I love how i can see a father holding his teenage daughter talking to her politly and whispering to her ear discussing issues and listening to her thoughts and the suggestions that she has he grabs her and leads her to the wishes she dreams of. when i talk to my mother she never found a way to listen to me she either dismiss me ignore my talks tell me that i am annoying making me uncomfortable to continue tell me that i am blabing or even shout at me making me cry i tried i really tried to start conversations with her she replies denying my thoughts shutting them off giving me no reasons to discuss even more she opens her mind with me complaining and when i reply she tells me it was a waste talking to me what is it with you mother when you started talking and wanted my opinion and i started making you feel better you totally slap me with hurtful ungrateful words .. i never tried talking to my dad he is not that kind he's never open and never easy to be satisfied so hard to be handled .